The Great Debate

About ten years ago I did Weight Watchers. I did it for a few years. It went very well and I had lost 115 pounds. It wasn't always easy, but I was always determined. I had a determination that I never knew I had. And I did it for a long time. But something happened, I have no idea what, I can't pin point anything. But it all just went away. I stopped following the program and the weight came right back on, plus some.

Over the years that followed I would try other ways to lose weight. Or I would retry Weight Watchers. But it was never the same. No matter what I would give up, it stressed me out, I considered it too much work. I didn't want to give up having a life, or atleast that's how I saw it at the time. One of my biggest problems is that I see things as black and white. I don't see grey when it comes to things like this. So if I slip up, that's it, I've failed. If I can't figure out the EXACT points of something, then I won't eat it at all. Less than 100% is just not good enough.

When I got pregnant I was scared. I knew I was extremely overweight and I didn't want the baby to suffer because of that. I was told I should not gain more than fifteen pounds. And I didn't. No matter what I was right on target every time I went to the doctor. But they had instilled such fear in my during my appointments. Telling me that I needed or should have all these tests done to make sure everything was going to be fine. Since I was so over weight there were many things they were expecting to go wrong, or problems I would have. In the end, none of that happened. But I must say the actual OBGYN was never anything but wonderful to me, it was mainly the midwives that made me nervous.

With in a few weeks after Riley was born I had lost the weight I gained with her and I have stayed at that weight since. So atleast I'm not getting any bigger! But since she was born I've tried Weight Watchers again and have let myself down again. At one point I thought I would just be happy staying at the weight I am. I obviously can maintain it and not get bigger. But if I truly think about it, I'm not happy. I'm not sure I'd be happy at my lowest weight either. I wasn't very happy then. But somewhere in the middle I will be happy.

I think just knowing that you are doing something makes a huge difference also. Trying to eat better and be more active. And hopefully taking this opportunity to teach my children good habits. I don't want anything limiting me from having fun with them or being around as long as I can. This whole subject is very sensitive and emotional for me. And I usually have myself failing before I even try. And of course, this time is no different. I've been thinking about starting again, but I'm looking for every excuse in the book to not do it.

I need to find that will and determination that I had before. I don't know where it is, but maybe it's in the mirror, or my daughters eyes. I will find it and I will do this.