Friendship

Friendships can be a very tricky thing. When you are a kid you make friends with everyone. You are willing to play with anyone, just as long as you are doing something. They do something stupid but you just move on. You are too young and too little to care, you just want to play. When you get in junior high or high school, friendships are a lot more important to you. They show how popular (or not) you are. You tend to value yourself based off of how many friends you have. But they come with a lot more drama. You guys spend every waking moment together or on the phone. And when someone hurts your feelings it's the end of the world!

When you become an adult and are married and have children, friendships are still very important. You need to have a support system, but you also need to have your own life. And that's what your friends help you with. You guys get mad at each other but you get over it and move on quickly. Things aren't as petty and you tend to actually appreciate each other. There shouldn't be nearly as much drama, if there is that is a problem. But you are definitely more picky with who you spend your time with.

My husband is my best friend. He may not realize it, or even feel like it sometimes. I didn't plan it that way, he just is. So he is the lucky one that gets the brunt of my anger. Unfortunately he's the only one I trust to take it and not judge me or leave me because of it. And I am very slow to make friends. I try to keep my circle very very small. The less people in the circle the less people can hurt me and the less of a chance that it will happen. I put a wall up and don't let many people in. And the friends I do have are usually kept at arms length. Even with my screening criteria a bad egg gets through once in a while. After that happens, I usually go back into hiding for awhile.

I definitely try to protect myself by having a wall up. It may come across as I'm cruel or rude, but really I'm just scared and don't want someone to be able to hurt me again. And I usually back away when I'm in fear of someone doing something that might hurt me. In relationships, I'd rather break up with you before you can break up with me. I don't like rejection. I don't take it very well. Even it's something stupid and simple. And I hate feeling like I'm vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a weakness, for me. But I do understand the importance of having friends and having a life of your own. I just don't do it very well.

When I'm not with my husband or child, they are all I think about. And I can't wait to be back home with them. I wish I could turn it off for a little bit and just enjoy myself. The only real time I have to myself is after work on Tuesdays when I do bible study. But I can't wait until I get to leave to get home to them. It's something I've struggled with ever since my divorce. With my last marriage I spent tons of time with friends. My ex-husband was never home. Fishing and hunting were what was important to him. So after having a separate life from someone for 12 years, and then now being married to someone and we want to see each other and want to spend time together, it's a major adjustment.

I need to learn a balance. And I definitely need to work on trusting. I need to realize that it's okay to be happy. And it's okay for people to know that you are happy, they aren't out to take that away from me. I need to learn that it's okay to let someone know they make me happy, and that they aren't waiting for me to say that so they can destroy me. It may sound silly, but it's a daily battle I have with myself. And all of this really puts a strain on my relationships and it really hurts. It's something I wish I could fix, but I obviously still have some healing to do.

Anger...Part Deux

Anger can be a very scary thing. If you don't deal with it, eventually you will blow up about the dumbest, stupidest, most trivial thing and people will have no idea what the hell is going on. And no matter how much you try to explain that what you blew up at has nothing to do with why you blew up (following me?), they just won't understand. The straw that broke the camels back, as it were. It's easier to not be so angry if you deal with things that bother you as they come up. But, if you already do that and nothing changes, there is nothing you can do about it. Sometimes I'm just angry and I can't even figure out why.

If I've had a migraine for a long time, I can get angry easily. And sometimes there is no way to calm myself down. Even though I'm sitting there thinking about how stupid this whole thing is and that I'm acting like an idiot. But if someone else tells me I'm only angry because I'm tired and I need to relax, WATCH OUT! You better run far and hide. Only I can think that, you just sit there, look pretty and be quiet.

Sometimes if I get anxious, I start thinking about the worst case scenario, because in my mind that is what's going to happen. Things will never end well, in my mind anyway. And when I do that, I just think about all the ways I've failed or how I'm going to fail. I've already given up before I've even started and that will then set off anger. Why am I not good enough? Why don't I think I'm good enough? Why do I always get so crazy when something gets changed?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. How many times can I repeat that and not sound like a parrot? It's an excellent prayer to live by, but sometimes in the moment there is nothing that can be done. How many times can I scream "SERENITY NOW!" and get no where? ALOT unfortunately.

Learn to not let the stuff you can't change bother you. Walk away when people are being stupid. Take a deep breath when you want to scream. Remember you can't change stupid! And there's nothing wrong with telling someone that you are upset and need a minute before you respond and rip them apart. Stupid people will always be stupid, liars will always be liars, people who are difficult will always be difficult. The only thing you can control is yourself and your reactions.

I guess my hope by rambling and talking nonsense is that it's making me more aware of myself. Hopefully I will stop and think more often instead of letting myself get so angry. Maybe I'll be more aware of what's happening and I'll control it more, or deal with the situation before it escalates. My temper usually gets the best of me. I don't like it and I want to change it!



Anger & Forgiveness

Anger and forgiveness are two huge things that I'm trying to work out. It's extremely difficult to just let go of things. One of the toughest concepts for me to grasp is that forgiveness is more for you than it is the person who hurt you. That forgiving someone does not mean you forget or even want to have a relationship with that person. It's to let yourself begin to heal and move forward. No matter what I do, I haven't been able to get to that point yet. It's so hard to do when the person who hurt you just doesn't get it, or doesn't care. But I'm never going to get an apology from them, and even if I did, would it make a difference? But all the anger is making me bitter. And me being bitter is them having control over my mood and how I feel. Those people don't deserve to have any control over my life. I'm sure they are just moving on with theirs.

We chose as a group to do a bible study on Forgiveness as our next topic. We are going to be on week three. And I'm not feeling forgiving yet. But I hope I get there someday. I hope I start to lighten up a bit and can relax. It's just amazing to me that people can forgive with the help of God and be alright with everything. I just finished reading "The Shack". That is truly a book about forgiveness. It's based on a true store and if that man can forgive, why can't I? I guess it's because I'm in a different place in my journey, or I just don't want to forgive yet.

One of my biggest problems is that dealing with people who are like brick walls really gets to me. I constantly have to just keep my mouth shut because no matter what I say they are right and I'm wrong. And they truly believe that what they are saying is right even if you have hard evidence that it's not. And that makes me CRAZY! But unfortunately I'm unable to avoid these people. Just keep my mouth shut and smile. But I want nothing more than them to acknowledge that they don't know what they are saying! And being around them just floods me with feelings of anger. I try to laugh to myself about it so that I can relax but it doesn't always work.

Anger is such a horrible thing to constantly be carrying around. I wish I could say that you are the only person it effects, but that just isn't true. It effects you so much and in ways that you aren't even aware of. And the people around you can feel it and sometimes you even take it out on them. It's so hard to hide and keep to yourself. And it kills you slowly on the inside. So the quicker I can figure out why I'm unable to forgive and let go, the quicker I can move on and just be happy.



Chance Meetings

For those of you who really know me, you know that I've been obsessed with serial killers since I was a teenager. And not in a "I want to be like them" kind of way, more of a why do they do what they do and how do they get away with it kind of way. The day I learned about the ID (Investigation Discovery) Channel, it was like Christmas. The channel is 24 hours of crazy, psycho serial killers. One of my favorite shows on the channel is called Dark Minds. M. William Phelps does his own investigations and actually talks to a serial killer that is in prison to try to get some insights. Not long ago they aired an episode about missing girls in CT. He was looking for possible links and trying to rejuvenate the investigation. It also sparked a magazine article.

CT Magazine March 2013

40 years ago yesterday Mike's cousin, Janice Pockett, went missing in Tolland, CT. She was 7 years old. She went for a ride on her bike to get a butterfly that she placed under a rock the day before. She was never seen again.

Yesterday was the 40th anniversary of her disappearance and the town of Tolland was dedicating a bench in Janice's honor. It was an absolutely beautiful ceremony. Janice's sister spoke, Lt. Paul Vance from the State Police spoke, the Lt. Governor spoke, as well as M. William Phelps. Near the end of the ceremony there was a butterfly release which was beautiful as well. Two butterflies stayed on the bench, it was very touching. All of the media outlets were there taking pictures and interviewing. Riley and Mike made it to the Hartford Courant.  Below is the article, followed by the picture that they took of Riley.

Hartford Courant 7/26/13

After the ceremony I was blessed enough to be able to meet M. William Phelps. He took a picture with me and a few of us stood around and talked for almost an hour.  He is so wonderful to talk to. He was willing to answer any questions we asked, no matter how silly they seemed. We were truly in awe.  It was so awesome. Unfortunately such a tragic event had to bring it all together. 

Please hold your children a little tighter tonight. No one should ever have to go through this. God Bless. 

Anxiety much?

I've had anxiety issues as long as I can remember. But they all came to a head after an accident I had in 2005. It was so bad that I had to take medication just to be able to sit down. After the accident, when I got home, and before we had filled the prescription, I was so anxious I thought I was crawling out of my own skin. I literally ran circles around the outside of my Grams house because I couldn't handle standing or sitting still. It was one of the worst feelings I had ever felt.

Anxiety is different for everyone. Everyone reacts differently and it shows up differently in each person. For me, it starts with tapping my foot. Then next thing I know my leg is going. I nearly shake myself off a chair or out of bed. I don't even necessarily realize that I'm doing it in the beginning. I feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin and I just ache all over. It's horrible and the only thing worse is when I have a migraine. I hate the feeling of helplessness that comes over me.

Before I had Riley I was on a slew of medications. Ones that helped with depression, anxiety, migraines and my obessive complusive disorder. Unfortunately, I was on the maximum dosages of all the medications because everything was so bad. When we decided we were going to try to have a child, I went right to my doctor and asked her to get me off all my medications. She gave me a schedule of how to slowly and correctly come off the medications in a months time. I had to be very careful or I would have a bad detox. Well, I obviously know better than my doctor and I cut down the schedule to two weeks! And guess what? I was sicker than a dog and felt like I was dying. So I didn't notice that some of it was morning sickness mixed in!

About a month after I found out I was pregnant, I told the midwife at my appointment that my anxiety was just too much. I could deal with the depression, headaches and being ocd but I couldn't handle the anxiety. They put me back on one of my medications but a very very low dose. And for the most part it took care of the problem. I was allowed to drink caffine because it kept the migraines away and I just dealt with the ocd. Somedays weren't pretty. After I had Riley I went back on one more medication, but both medications are at very low dosages and I insist on dealing with the rest with out pharmecutical help. Some days are much much harder than others. But all in all, I think I'm in a much better place than I was 2 years ago.

But it doesn't take much to trigger my anxiety and I still have to deal with it or I need more medication. Some times I can get myself calmed down, other times I have to let it ride itself out. I can get very impatient and testy when it's happening but that's because I'm trying to deal with the situation, calm down and dealing with all the feelings that are going on with my body.

So I told you that story, to tell you this one. Yesterday, Mike, Riley, my sister, her friend and I went to Lake Compounce. I was having serious anxiety all day because I was going to go first with the girls and then Mike and Riley would join us. I was so worried about them not finding us or something going wrong. In the end it didn't matter, we all ended up going together. We had tons of fun while we were there, unfortunately I was also nursing a migraine the whole time. So loud, bright sun and heat (humidity) don't make for a good migraine nursing situation. After the water park we ate some dinner and walked around so the girls could go on some rides. They went in the Haunted House and Riley was getting restless so Mike was going to take her on a ride, the girls would meet us there.

Well, they didn't come. I gave them the benefit of the doubt that the ride had a long wait so they must still be inside. Finally, we found them, they went on another ride, We watched the ride stop, and we got ready to leave waiting for them to come meet us. Next thing we know the ride is starting again, the park is closing and the girls haven't appeared. My legs are going crazy now, my anxiety is through the roof and all I can do is pace and get angry. I'm starting to get impatient with Mike and Riley, I feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin. I just wanted to scream and run away.

Mike went to look for them while I waited. He had no luck. I went to look for the girls while he waited, and out of no where I spot her coming off an even different ride. I was so relieved but so angry at the same time. All I could do was scream and yell. I wasn't able to calm down for a long time. But with all the kids going missing lately, and all the amber alerts we have to listen to, I was a little worried to say the least. I don't know what  she was thinking, but I know she will never do that again. Victoria is so well behaved and never causes me any problems when we go out. She's always polite, says please and thank you, looks both ways before crossing the street. She's always offering to help with anything and everything. She's a great kid. I just need her to understand how I felt when I couldn't find her. I don't hate her, I'm not mad at her, I was scared and frustrated. And I couldn't have been more relieved when I found her.

Anxiety is no joke. And it's not a weakness. But it isn't a visable issue for the most part. People suffering from it don't broadcast it most of the time and it can be very physically painful. So please just be aware of it and try to be understanding.



Politics, Religion and Sports

The three big no-nos! If you want to start a fight, all you have to do is bring up one of those three topics. And depending on who you are talking to, that may be the end of your relationship. Sometimes you wish it was only that easy! I don't talk about any of those topics if I can help it for many different reasons. But I also believe that you have a right to feel the way you feel, believe in what you believe, and not be judged for it. I don't pick and choose friends based on what their religion is or their favorite sports team. If I did I'd have even less friends. But all of that is such a small part of the person, and they believe what the believe for a reason.

My stance on politics is easy, the way I see it. I believe in what I believe is right. I'm not a democrat or a republican. I judge based on what I hear and see. Not what party the person belongs to.  Both parties do good and bad. And politics is apart of almost everything we deal with. There is no hiding from it. Some people get so caught up in it and get so defensive. Throwing what you believe to be right at someone is no way to get them to understand what you are trying to say.

How I feel about religion has greatly changed in the last 5 months. I was never a non-believer. But I did have an event occur that made me realize religion was something I wanted to learn more about. I was baptized as a baby as a protestant in a congretational church. I went to Sunday school. But like most teenagers, when I was able to make a decision about if I was going to go or not, sleep won. I don't judge people for what religion they are, or if they believe or not. I have my reasons for what I believe and that is for me to understand and develope upon.

And believe it or not, sports is the worst. Especially baseball! I am a die hard Yankees fan. I love them no matter what, if they are winning or losing, I'm still a Yankees Fan! I'm married to a Mets fan. But the worst part is that he's not just a Mets fan, he's a Yankee hater. We can't watch a game together because he gets so cranky. And all he does is talk about how horrible Yankee fans are. It really gets to me, especially when I just sit there quietly and I cheer on his team if they are doing well. I just love baseball. I don't have all the anger he has. And lets not talk about Red Sox fans. We all know how that goes.

But as I see it, everyone has a right to believe in what they believe in. Whether it be political, religious or sports, they have a right to love what they love. So can't we all just get along?

The Great Debate

About ten years ago I did Weight Watchers. I did it for a few years. It went very well and I had lost 115 pounds. It wasn't always easy, but I was always determined. I had a determination that I never knew I had. And I did it for a long time. But something happened, I have no idea what, I can't pin point anything. But it all just went away. I stopped following the program and the weight came right back on, plus some.

Over the years that followed I would try other ways to lose weight. Or I would retry Weight Watchers. But it was never the same. No matter what I would give up, it stressed me out, I considered it too much work. I didn't want to give up having a life, or atleast that's how I saw it at the time. One of my biggest problems is that I see things as black and white. I don't see grey when it comes to things like this. So if I slip up, that's it, I've failed. If I can't figure out the EXACT points of something, then I won't eat it at all. Less than 100% is just not good enough.

When I got pregnant I was scared. I knew I was extremely overweight and I didn't want the baby to suffer because of that. I was told I should not gain more than fifteen pounds. And I didn't. No matter what I was right on target every time I went to the doctor. But they had instilled such fear in my during my appointments. Telling me that I needed or should have all these tests done to make sure everything was going to be fine. Since I was so over weight there were many things they were expecting to go wrong, or problems I would have. In the end, none of that happened. But I must say the actual OBGYN was never anything but wonderful to me, it was mainly the midwives that made me nervous.

With in a few weeks after Riley was born I had lost the weight I gained with her and I have stayed at that weight since. So atleast I'm not getting any bigger! But since she was born I've tried Weight Watchers again and have let myself down again. At one point I thought I would just be happy staying at the weight I am. I obviously can maintain it and not get bigger. But if I truly think about it, I'm not happy. I'm not sure I'd be happy at my lowest weight either. I wasn't very happy then. But somewhere in the middle I will be happy.

I think just knowing that you are doing something makes a huge difference also. Trying to eat better and be more active. And hopefully taking this opportunity to teach my children good habits. I don't want anything limiting me from having fun with them or being around as long as I can. This whole subject is very sensitive and emotional for me. And I usually have myself failing before I even try. And of course, this time is no different. I've been thinking about starting again, but I'm looking for every excuse in the book to not do it.

I need to find that will and determination that I had before. I don't know where it is, but maybe it's in the mirror, or my daughters eyes. I will find it and I will do this.



New things

Watching Riley grow up will continue to amaze me. It is so awesome to watch as she learns new things. Watching her figure out how to crawl, sit up, stand, walk and now she's running...it's all so amazing. I remember when she first touched grass for the first time and how she wasn't sure if she liked it or not. Getting nervous the first time she went down a slide but then seeing how much she loved it. Putting her on her first amusement park ride with her brother and being terrified, but she just sits there.

Now she puts her clothes in the laundry basket, she helps clean up her toys, she loves giving high five's and she's trying to repeat everything we say. She wants to be Miss Independent and I'm just in awe of how much she does for herself now. I'm so proud but at the same time, very sad. I've never wanted to rush her into learning new things. I'm just enjoying every moment as it happens. I always struggle with wanting to protect her from getting hurt and letting her figure things out. Sending her to daycare was a huge decision for me. She only goes two days a week but those are the longest seventeen hours of my life. She's sad to see me go but she gets so excited when I pick her up.

Last night we did a few more "firsts" with Riley. I put bubbles in her bath and she was very thrown off. She just sat there and wouldn't touch anything. She didn't know what to do and she definitely didn't like that her toys where covered in bubbles. Towards the end she loosened up a little but not much. I also gave her her toothbrush and let her "brush" her own teeth. I want her to get use to it. She always fights me when I do it, so I handed it to her and let her try and get use to the feeling.  She did very well.

Sometimes I feel like a nut...

Actually, most of the time I feel like I'm on the edge of going crazy or just having a mental breakdown. I put so much pressure on myself to be "perfect" at everything I do. I want to be the perfect mom, daughter, wife and employee. I beat myself up over EVERYTHING and I feel like I am never good enough. Why do I always compare the present to the past? I was younger then, I didn't have children and I wasn't with a man that I wanted to spend time with. So of course I was able to do more. I just can't accept that I can't do everything I used to do with the energy I used to do it with.

Half way is never good enough for me. And I spend most of my time being so disappointed in myself instead of enjoying what we are doing and what we have done. It feels like I always have to be on the go and if  I'm not, then I'm failing. There is a pressure I put on myself to make every weekend busy and fun, but then I'm exhausted, spend way too much money and it still wasn't good enough according to me! I'm the only one who has the problem. It's been like this as long as I can remember.

Especially since having Riley, I feel like time is going by WAY to quick. I feel like if I'm not doing something, I'm wasting precious time with my daughter. I never really thought about getting older or death even before I had Riley. Now as birthdays approach and things start to crack and ache, all I can think about is not being around for her. My sister has always teased me about my age, even announcing it constantly to perfect strangers. But it had never bothered me. I never saw it as anything but a number, and was just happy I had made it that far. Now, the numbers are getting much higher, much quicker.

All I want is to enjoy life and not have TOO many regrets. I don't particularly regret my past. I guess I see it as what I had to go through to get to where I am now. And if I had to do it all over again...the moving, my first marriage, changing jobs...I would do it in a heart beat if it brought me to where I am today. My past has made me who I am, it has taught me things that I needed to learn to be able to appreciate what I have now. I hope it has made me a better person, I know having my daughter has. The impact that having Riley has had on my life can not be measured or weighed. I feel it in my heart, every time I look at her I fall in love all over again.

But like I said, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to not being good enough. It's pressure I put on myself. It's a ridiculously high standard that I have set for me. All I can do is hope that with time I will be more patient and understanding with me. No one else can fix it. This is something I need to figure out. And I hope it happens soon!

~*~ A Mama with a Blog ~*~