Anxiety is different for everyone. Everyone reacts differently and it shows up differently in each person. For me, it starts with tapping my foot. Then next thing I know my leg is going. I nearly shake myself off a chair or out of bed. I don't even necessarily realize that I'm doing it in the beginning. I feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin and I just ache all over. It's horrible and the only thing worse is when I have a migraine. I hate the feeling of helplessness that comes over me.
Before I had Riley I was on a slew of medications. Ones that helped with depression, anxiety, migraines and my obessive complusive disorder. Unfortunately, I was on the maximum dosages of all the medications because everything was so bad. When we decided we were going to try to have a child, I went right to my doctor and asked her to get me off all my medications. She gave me a schedule of how to slowly and correctly come off the medications in a months time. I had to be very careful or I would have a bad detox. Well, I obviously know better than my doctor and I cut down the schedule to two weeks! And guess what? I was sicker than a dog and felt like I was dying. So I didn't notice that some of it was morning sickness mixed in!
About a month after I found out I was pregnant, I told the midwife at my appointment that my anxiety was just too much. I could deal with the depression, headaches and being ocd but I couldn't handle the anxiety. They put me back on one of my medications but a very very low dose. And for the most part it took care of the problem. I was allowed to drink caffine because it kept the migraines away and I just dealt with the ocd. Somedays weren't pretty. After I had Riley I went back on one more medication, but both medications are at very low dosages and I insist on dealing with the rest with out pharmecutical help. Some days are much much harder than others. But all in all, I think I'm in a much better place than I was 2 years ago.
But it doesn't take much to trigger my anxiety and I still have to deal with it or I need more medication. Some times I can get myself calmed down, other times I have to let it ride itself out. I can get very impatient and testy when it's happening but that's because I'm trying to deal with the situation, calm down and dealing with all the feelings that are going on with my body.
So I told you that story, to tell you this one. Yesterday, Mike, Riley, my sister, her friend and I went to Lake Compounce. I was having serious anxiety all day because I was going to go first with the girls and then Mike and Riley would join us. I was so worried about them not finding us or something going wrong. In the end it didn't matter, we all ended up going together. We had tons of fun while we were there, unfortunately I was also nursing a migraine the whole time. So loud, bright sun and heat (humidity) don't make for a good migraine nursing situation. After the water park we ate some dinner and walked around so the girls could go on some rides. They went in the Haunted House and Riley was getting restless so Mike was going to take her on a ride, the girls would meet us there.
Well, they didn't come. I gave them the benefit of the doubt that the ride had a long wait so they must still be inside. Finally, we found them, they went on another ride, We watched the ride stop, and we got ready to leave waiting for them to come meet us. Next thing we know the ride is starting again, the park is closing and the girls haven't appeared. My legs are going crazy now, my anxiety is through the roof and all I can do is pace and get angry. I'm starting to get impatient with Mike and Riley, I feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin. I just wanted to scream and run away.
Mike went to look for them while I waited. He had no luck. I went to look for the girls while he waited, and out of no where I spot her coming off an even different ride. I was so relieved but so angry at the same time. All I could do was scream and yell. I wasn't able to calm down for a long time. But with all the kids going missing lately, and all the amber alerts we have to listen to, I was a little worried to say the least. I don't know what she was thinking, but I know she will never do that again. Victoria is so well behaved and never causes me any problems when we go out. She's always polite, says please and thank you, looks both ways before crossing the street. She's always offering to help with anything and everything. She's a great kid. I just need her to understand how I felt when I couldn't find her. I don't hate her, I'm not mad at her, I was scared and frustrated. And I couldn't have been more relieved when I found her.
Anxiety is no joke. And it's not a weakness. But it isn't a visable issue for the most part. People suffering from it don't broadcast it most of the time and it can be very physically painful. So please just be aware of it and try to be understanding.
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