Victory!

Well, as you know, I started doing weight watchers again a few weeks ago. And as usual, since the day I started, I've been tempted to eat things I shouldn't all the time. Since I'm so black and white with weight watchers, if I have a plan and then something happens to screw up that plan, I throw my hands up in the air (wave them like I just don't care) and eat whatever I want and get discouraged afterward. I look at life happening as a free pass to mess up what I'm trying to achieve and not stay on track. But fortunately, so far, this time has been different. How you ask?

The Monday after I started I had made a plan to make grilled cheese sandwiches when Mike got home. Well, it was after 6 and he still wasn't home and I was starving. How, oh how I wanted so badly to just tell him to stop and pick up McDonald's on the way home. But I didn't. I went and fed Riley to calm myself down and get my mind off of it. Then I decided I was going to make a different dinner. Somehow I pulled myself out of despair! And I stayed on track! That Tuesday I kept telling myself to remember and bring an extra drink with me to work so I would have it at Bible Study that night. Well, of course I forgot it. And I immediately thought "I'll just buy a big soda and drink that".  But I didn't. I bought a water and just dealt with it.

On that Wednesday I brought something for lunch that I had never had before. I heated it up and attempted to eat it. It smelled bad and tasted even worse! Immediately I thought I'll go have something from the Bistro for lunch. Then I thought about it and asked my friend if she wanted to have lunch, I figured it would be a good distraction for me. So we had lunch in the Bistro, I had a banana and grapes. It was yummy, and I got some of my fruits and veggies for the day and stayed on track! There are many more stories just like that, but I haven't given in!

Then we have last night. Mike and I went out to dinner for our anniversary. I chose Buffalo Wild Wings because I love it there and weight watchers has points for their menu items. I was so excited to find out that what I normally ate was totally doable. I was all set to get my Buffalo Chicken Flatbread and be happy :) Well of course as soon as we get there, I immediately start thinking that since it's a special occasion that I can have appetizers and soda and even dessert. The waiter came and I ordered a water with lemon! Then I had my flatbread and I was so proud of myself that I stuck with my original plan. I can do this!

Your first friends/enemies! Siblings :)

Where oh where do I start. Most of us can't stand our brothers and sisters when we are growing up. We fight with each other, we scream at each other, kick, punch and try to hurt each other as much as we can when we are growning up. You are always fighting for attention, angry that the other one is alive. You really don't need a reason to go off when it comes to your brothers and sisters. You will rat each other out for the littlest thing and help each other get into trouble. And as long as you clean up the blood, your parents really don't want to hear about it anymore!

If you are one of the lucky ones, as you grow up and hopefully mature, you may start to form a tolerable relationship with your brothers and sister. You may be able to sit in the same room with them without punching and kicking. You may have a conversation at the table without name calling and screaming. You may actually agree on things once in awhile and who knows, maybe even watch tv together. But you will be at separate ends of the room of course. You pay take rides from each other to the mall or movies. You will need each other and out of necessity, you will be kind and try to get along.

Maybe as you become a young adult you will become friends with your brother and sister. Crazier things have been known to happen. You may hang out together. Sometimes you may call each other for advice. Miracles could happen and you could go out to dinner, plan a trip together. You will rely on each other. You won't even realize it's happening. This may not happen until there is a life changing event in your life. Someone may get married, one of you has a baby, graduates from college or joins the military. All of a sudden, one day you may even need each other so much, you won't know what you did with out them. You will come to rely on each other just to get through the day. You need to know they are there for you and you want them to know that you are there for them. You both have been through the same situation and can relate to each other. And that will bring you to a level of closeness that couldn't have been achieved without that tragedy or life changing event.

But like everything else in life, these relationships will have a life cycle also. The day will come when these relationships may start to fade. The person you were super close with will start to slip away. The siblings you were so so with might remain the same or seem strained. The one you were getting through things with might seem to feel like you are losing them all over again. And it might take another tragedy to get you all back together. But no matter what you are brother and sister. And hopefully that bond will keep you always and forever in each others hearts.

Random Acts of Kindness

Random acts of kindness should be just that, random. We shouldn't do them because someone expects us. We shouldn't necessarily preplan to be kind. We shouldn't feel like we need to keep track of all the kind things we do. Random acts of kindness should be from the heart. It should be something that you feel good about doing. You should help someone in need. Whether it be financial or just listening to them or even giving them a compliment.

I've tried to do as many random acts of kindness as I can, whenever I can. You should always do them for the right reasons and not because you want people to notice it and reward you for it. Random acts of kindness have been come very popular to talk about lately. And everyone is encouraging it or they are sharing their acts. People are challenging others to do it. Especially since the horrible tragedy at Salem Elementary School in December. Because of that tragedy, everything was 26 Random Acts of Kindness. One act for each angel that was taken from us way too soon.

Then unfortunately we had the bombing tragedy at the Boston Marathon earlier this year. So then all the signs became 26.2 Random Acts of Kindness. It is wonderful if all the hype is causing more people to be generous with their money, time or patience. I just hope it all continues after the dust settles and the hype dies down. Kindness should be for a time period. It shouldn't be what's popular to do. It should be done because we are human and we need to help each other.

Children will still need Christmas presents. Families will still need food and maybe help with bills, maybe just a ride somewhere. Homeless people will still need clothing and money. Elderly people will always love visitors, even if they don't remember you. Friends will always need someone to talk to, and random strangers love compliments. You have no idea how what you do, that may seem so stupid or insignificant to you, impacts someone else. Even if they don't understand it at the moment, it will hit them later. And hopefully what you do then encourages them to pay it forward.

I encourage people to do what they can, as I will continue to do. It definitely makes life richer.

Getting Started...Finally

So I've officially taken the plunge. I restarted Weight Watchers this weekend. And just as predicted, I'm already stressed out and I already feel like I'm going to fail. But I will continue to press on. In the words of Joyce Meyer, "You need to press on and press through to be in Victory!". I will fall off the wagon but I will get right back on this time. I really wish I could remember what happened back in 2006 or so, something happened that I totally went off track and gained everything back. I won't allow something like that to happen again.

It will be challenging but it will be worth it. Mike is behind me 100%, as he always is with anything and everything. And the poor guy is asking questions and wanting to understand the process. He wants to know what he can buy and what not keep in the house. He doesn't want to make me uncomfortable or upset me. And all I do is bite off his head for asking a million questions. Instead of being happy that he wants to help me and support me, I get defensive and irritated. I'm trying so hard to not do that, but I think it's more of a defense mechanism I use when I feel like I'm being judged or I don't feel like I'm good enough.

I definitely have things to work on and work through. But it all takes time and patience. And I don't want to push away the people who are there to help me. I do know that from the first time, I need to deal with my body image issues. My body image issues were a huge problem when I lost all the weight last time. I don't want to go through that again and not deal with it. That could have been part of the problem in the end. And I don't want that to happen to me again.

This time I'm trying to set up little rewards for myself for hitting weight loss goals. I'm breaking it up into doable numbers so I don't get overwhelmed. I don't take much time for myself so getting my hair done, getting my eyebrows done, getting new clothes especially since I hate shopping. It's very difficult to think of non food rewards right now. But I will do it as I go. There are things that I'm looking forward to when I lose the weight and I try to keep that in my mind also. I miss crossing my legs, being active, having fun outside, feeling more in control of everything. And there is so much more that will be better this time around.  

This time around it's not only me benefitting with all these changes, but my family. We can do so much more together. Especially with Riley. I will want to be outside with her. We can do 5K's as a family since that is something Mike loves. I used to walk until I couldn't walk anymore. I would exercise like a crazy person. And I felt pretty good when I was done. I will get back to that! It's important that we all eat better together and teach the kids good healthy lessons. It's important that we be active together to show them how important activity is.

I WILL DO THIS!

Meal Planning

This is a topic that I have recently become very interested in. I just wonder how people do it and if it really does help. Does it help make things easier at home knowing what you are going to make instead of having that hour where you argue with yourself everyday about what you want? Does it really help you save money on groceries since you are shopping from a list that you need to make what you are planning? What happens when you suddenly are invited out to dinner? Or you won't be home early enough to make what you planned because you were stuck at work?

These are the questions I have. Along with others I'm sure. On one hand, I do think that it's a good idea to meal plan to a point. I have not done it before and I would like to start. I think it would help with keeping on track with Weight Watchers. If you know what you are having for dinner you can plan the rest of your day. And if something comes up during the day, you will already know how many points you had planned for dinner and you can help yourself that way. It will help you stay on track, or make you really think if you want to give something up so you can have something else.

Planning is always a great idea when it comes to having a busy lifestyle. It provides peace of mind, it takes some of the guess work out of your day, and it's just a plan - it can always be changed. What happens when it's time to make dinner and that really isn't what you want? My black and white brain says I have to eat it anyway. But then I will screw up later in the day because I didn't have something I really wanted and that will lead me to make bad choices. I'm very black and white when it comes to certain things. And like I've said before, I need to learn to understand the grey area.

I'm just afraid that with the grey area, things will get off track. If I go grey once, who's to say I won't get out of control and just go wild? I know it sounds silly, but this is the craziness that I live with everyday going on inside my head. And since it's going on inside my head, I can't get away from it. I need to look at everything as making life style changes. Not that I'm just doing all this to lose weight. I'm doing it to get healthier and I will most likely need to do it for the rest of my life to be able to maintain it. And that thought shouldn't be scary. It should make me excited.

I'm making life changes. And they are for the better. Life is going to continue on whether I do it or not. I can either work on myself and become a better person all around. Or I can sit and wallow about how I haven't done anything to help myself and look at where I am now. I'm going to get older and time is going to pass me by. So either I deal with this and make some changes or just feel bad for myself. I'm going to make mistakes and I'm going to have bad days. But I need to deal with that and move on. I can't keep beating myself and then undoing all my hard work. How is that helping? It's not. But I have to get that through my thick skull!

Can only take off so much!

It's amazing how two people can be in the same room, and while one is wearing a coat, the other has a fan on! That's pretty much my life every where I go. I very rarely get cold, and I'm very rarely comfortable. I'm usually hot! It has also gotten much worse since I became pregnant and even since I've had Riley. Even when I'm hot at night I still want a cover on so I need a fan blowing on me. It's like a comfort thing for me I guess.

When I have a migraine it's even worse. I feel like I have a fever, but I want to be bundled up all cozy in bed. I'm usually sweating like I'm getting paid to do so and I feel like there is a cloud of heat around me, and it follows me everywhere, like a dark cloud. I try to stay in a dark, cold room that is quiet and have ice on my head. I don't mind winter as far as coldness. At night it's nice to be under all the covers and if I'm cold I can put on more clothes and blankets. You can turn on the heat and warm up a bit if you need to. But in the summer, I can only take so much off!

Air conditioning is my best friend. It's not easy when you are in the car and feel like you are dying because you are so hot. You turn on the air conditioner and the other person is freezing so they want to move all the vents or turn it off. I don't know what you people expect us hotties to do. Just make sure you keep a parka with you at all times. Gloves and a scarf probably wouldn't hurt either. Always be prepared I say.

It's so aggreviating when someone (Mike) says "It's so nice out today, it's only 75"...UMMM 75 is not nice. Your skinny butt might love it, but I will still be hot.  And in the state of CT that means it's also humid. The air conditioner takes the humidity out of the air and cools it down so that 75 is tolerable. And when you live on the 2nd floor it's even warmer! 75 at night is not fun to sleep in either. Maybe the 60's and I'll just use the fan. But I need to sleep and if being cool is the only way I can sleep so I can function the next day, so be it.

This is more of a bitching session and a PSA all rolled into one. Please try to understand what it's like to be sweating and only be able to take off so much clothing!

Friendship

Friendships can be a very tricky thing. When you are a kid you make friends with everyone. You are willing to play with anyone, just as long as you are doing something. They do something stupid but you just move on. You are too young and too little to care, you just want to play. When you get in junior high or high school, friendships are a lot more important to you. They show how popular (or not) you are. You tend to value yourself based off of how many friends you have. But they come with a lot more drama. You guys spend every waking moment together or on the phone. And when someone hurts your feelings it's the end of the world!

When you become an adult and are married and have children, friendships are still very important. You need to have a support system, but you also need to have your own life. And that's what your friends help you with. You guys get mad at each other but you get over it and move on quickly. Things aren't as petty and you tend to actually appreciate each other. There shouldn't be nearly as much drama, if there is that is a problem. But you are definitely more picky with who you spend your time with.

My husband is my best friend. He may not realize it, or even feel like it sometimes. I didn't plan it that way, he just is. So he is the lucky one that gets the brunt of my anger. Unfortunately he's the only one I trust to take it and not judge me or leave me because of it. And I am very slow to make friends. I try to keep my circle very very small. The less people in the circle the less people can hurt me and the less of a chance that it will happen. I put a wall up and don't let many people in. And the friends I do have are usually kept at arms length. Even with my screening criteria a bad egg gets through once in a while. After that happens, I usually go back into hiding for awhile.

I definitely try to protect myself by having a wall up. It may come across as I'm cruel or rude, but really I'm just scared and don't want someone to be able to hurt me again. And I usually back away when I'm in fear of someone doing something that might hurt me. In relationships, I'd rather break up with you before you can break up with me. I don't like rejection. I don't take it very well. Even it's something stupid and simple. And I hate feeling like I'm vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a weakness, for me. But I do understand the importance of having friends and having a life of your own. I just don't do it very well.

When I'm not with my husband or child, they are all I think about. And I can't wait to be back home with them. I wish I could turn it off for a little bit and just enjoy myself. The only real time I have to myself is after work on Tuesdays when I do bible study. But I can't wait until I get to leave to get home to them. It's something I've struggled with ever since my divorce. With my last marriage I spent tons of time with friends. My ex-husband was never home. Fishing and hunting were what was important to him. So after having a separate life from someone for 12 years, and then now being married to someone and we want to see each other and want to spend time together, it's a major adjustment.

I need to learn a balance. And I definitely need to work on trusting. I need to realize that it's okay to be happy. And it's okay for people to know that you are happy, they aren't out to take that away from me. I need to learn that it's okay to let someone know they make me happy, and that they aren't waiting for me to say that so they can destroy me. It may sound silly, but it's a daily battle I have with myself. And all of this really puts a strain on my relationships and it really hurts. It's something I wish I could fix, but I obviously still have some healing to do.

Anger...Part Deux

Anger can be a very scary thing. If you don't deal with it, eventually you will blow up about the dumbest, stupidest, most trivial thing and people will have no idea what the hell is going on. And no matter how much you try to explain that what you blew up at has nothing to do with why you blew up (following me?), they just won't understand. The straw that broke the camels back, as it were. It's easier to not be so angry if you deal with things that bother you as they come up. But, if you already do that and nothing changes, there is nothing you can do about it. Sometimes I'm just angry and I can't even figure out why.

If I've had a migraine for a long time, I can get angry easily. And sometimes there is no way to calm myself down. Even though I'm sitting there thinking about how stupid this whole thing is and that I'm acting like an idiot. But if someone else tells me I'm only angry because I'm tired and I need to relax, WATCH OUT! You better run far and hide. Only I can think that, you just sit there, look pretty and be quiet.

Sometimes if I get anxious, I start thinking about the worst case scenario, because in my mind that is what's going to happen. Things will never end well, in my mind anyway. And when I do that, I just think about all the ways I've failed or how I'm going to fail. I've already given up before I've even started and that will then set off anger. Why am I not good enough? Why don't I think I'm good enough? Why do I always get so crazy when something gets changed?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. How many times can I repeat that and not sound like a parrot? It's an excellent prayer to live by, but sometimes in the moment there is nothing that can be done. How many times can I scream "SERENITY NOW!" and get no where? ALOT unfortunately.

Learn to not let the stuff you can't change bother you. Walk away when people are being stupid. Take a deep breath when you want to scream. Remember you can't change stupid! And there's nothing wrong with telling someone that you are upset and need a minute before you respond and rip them apart. Stupid people will always be stupid, liars will always be liars, people who are difficult will always be difficult. The only thing you can control is yourself and your reactions.

I guess my hope by rambling and talking nonsense is that it's making me more aware of myself. Hopefully I will stop and think more often instead of letting myself get so angry. Maybe I'll be more aware of what's happening and I'll control it more, or deal with the situation before it escalates. My temper usually gets the best of me. I don't like it and I want to change it!



Anger & Forgiveness

Anger and forgiveness are two huge things that I'm trying to work out. It's extremely difficult to just let go of things. One of the toughest concepts for me to grasp is that forgiveness is more for you than it is the person who hurt you. That forgiving someone does not mean you forget or even want to have a relationship with that person. It's to let yourself begin to heal and move forward. No matter what I do, I haven't been able to get to that point yet. It's so hard to do when the person who hurt you just doesn't get it, or doesn't care. But I'm never going to get an apology from them, and even if I did, would it make a difference? But all the anger is making me bitter. And me being bitter is them having control over my mood and how I feel. Those people don't deserve to have any control over my life. I'm sure they are just moving on with theirs.

We chose as a group to do a bible study on Forgiveness as our next topic. We are going to be on week three. And I'm not feeling forgiving yet. But I hope I get there someday. I hope I start to lighten up a bit and can relax. It's just amazing to me that people can forgive with the help of God and be alright with everything. I just finished reading "The Shack". That is truly a book about forgiveness. It's based on a true store and if that man can forgive, why can't I? I guess it's because I'm in a different place in my journey, or I just don't want to forgive yet.

One of my biggest problems is that dealing with people who are like brick walls really gets to me. I constantly have to just keep my mouth shut because no matter what I say they are right and I'm wrong. And they truly believe that what they are saying is right even if you have hard evidence that it's not. And that makes me CRAZY! But unfortunately I'm unable to avoid these people. Just keep my mouth shut and smile. But I want nothing more than them to acknowledge that they don't know what they are saying! And being around them just floods me with feelings of anger. I try to laugh to myself about it so that I can relax but it doesn't always work.

Anger is such a horrible thing to constantly be carrying around. I wish I could say that you are the only person it effects, but that just isn't true. It effects you so much and in ways that you aren't even aware of. And the people around you can feel it and sometimes you even take it out on them. It's so hard to hide and keep to yourself. And it kills you slowly on the inside. So the quicker I can figure out why I'm unable to forgive and let go, the quicker I can move on and just be happy.



Chance Meetings

For those of you who really know me, you know that I've been obsessed with serial killers since I was a teenager. And not in a "I want to be like them" kind of way, more of a why do they do what they do and how do they get away with it kind of way. The day I learned about the ID (Investigation Discovery) Channel, it was like Christmas. The channel is 24 hours of crazy, psycho serial killers. One of my favorite shows on the channel is called Dark Minds. M. William Phelps does his own investigations and actually talks to a serial killer that is in prison to try to get some insights. Not long ago they aired an episode about missing girls in CT. He was looking for possible links and trying to rejuvenate the investigation. It also sparked a magazine article.

CT Magazine March 2013

40 years ago yesterday Mike's cousin, Janice Pockett, went missing in Tolland, CT. She was 7 years old. She went for a ride on her bike to get a butterfly that she placed under a rock the day before. She was never seen again.

Yesterday was the 40th anniversary of her disappearance and the town of Tolland was dedicating a bench in Janice's honor. It was an absolutely beautiful ceremony. Janice's sister spoke, Lt. Paul Vance from the State Police spoke, the Lt. Governor spoke, as well as M. William Phelps. Near the end of the ceremony there was a butterfly release which was beautiful as well. Two butterflies stayed on the bench, it was very touching. All of the media outlets were there taking pictures and interviewing. Riley and Mike made it to the Hartford Courant.  Below is the article, followed by the picture that they took of Riley.

Hartford Courant 7/26/13

After the ceremony I was blessed enough to be able to meet M. William Phelps. He took a picture with me and a few of us stood around and talked for almost an hour.  He is so wonderful to talk to. He was willing to answer any questions we asked, no matter how silly they seemed. We were truly in awe.  It was so awesome. Unfortunately such a tragic event had to bring it all together. 

Please hold your children a little tighter tonight. No one should ever have to go through this. God Bless. 

Anxiety much?

I've had anxiety issues as long as I can remember. But they all came to a head after an accident I had in 2005. It was so bad that I had to take medication just to be able to sit down. After the accident, when I got home, and before we had filled the prescription, I was so anxious I thought I was crawling out of my own skin. I literally ran circles around the outside of my Grams house because I couldn't handle standing or sitting still. It was one of the worst feelings I had ever felt.

Anxiety is different for everyone. Everyone reacts differently and it shows up differently in each person. For me, it starts with tapping my foot. Then next thing I know my leg is going. I nearly shake myself off a chair or out of bed. I don't even necessarily realize that I'm doing it in the beginning. I feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin and I just ache all over. It's horrible and the only thing worse is when I have a migraine. I hate the feeling of helplessness that comes over me.

Before I had Riley I was on a slew of medications. Ones that helped with depression, anxiety, migraines and my obessive complusive disorder. Unfortunately, I was on the maximum dosages of all the medications because everything was so bad. When we decided we were going to try to have a child, I went right to my doctor and asked her to get me off all my medications. She gave me a schedule of how to slowly and correctly come off the medications in a months time. I had to be very careful or I would have a bad detox. Well, I obviously know better than my doctor and I cut down the schedule to two weeks! And guess what? I was sicker than a dog and felt like I was dying. So I didn't notice that some of it was morning sickness mixed in!

About a month after I found out I was pregnant, I told the midwife at my appointment that my anxiety was just too much. I could deal with the depression, headaches and being ocd but I couldn't handle the anxiety. They put me back on one of my medications but a very very low dose. And for the most part it took care of the problem. I was allowed to drink caffine because it kept the migraines away and I just dealt with the ocd. Somedays weren't pretty. After I had Riley I went back on one more medication, but both medications are at very low dosages and I insist on dealing with the rest with out pharmecutical help. Some days are much much harder than others. But all in all, I think I'm in a much better place than I was 2 years ago.

But it doesn't take much to trigger my anxiety and I still have to deal with it or I need more medication. Some times I can get myself calmed down, other times I have to let it ride itself out. I can get very impatient and testy when it's happening but that's because I'm trying to deal with the situation, calm down and dealing with all the feelings that are going on with my body.

So I told you that story, to tell you this one. Yesterday, Mike, Riley, my sister, her friend and I went to Lake Compounce. I was having serious anxiety all day because I was going to go first with the girls and then Mike and Riley would join us. I was so worried about them not finding us or something going wrong. In the end it didn't matter, we all ended up going together. We had tons of fun while we were there, unfortunately I was also nursing a migraine the whole time. So loud, bright sun and heat (humidity) don't make for a good migraine nursing situation. After the water park we ate some dinner and walked around so the girls could go on some rides. They went in the Haunted House and Riley was getting restless so Mike was going to take her on a ride, the girls would meet us there.

Well, they didn't come. I gave them the benefit of the doubt that the ride had a long wait so they must still be inside. Finally, we found them, they went on another ride, We watched the ride stop, and we got ready to leave waiting for them to come meet us. Next thing we know the ride is starting again, the park is closing and the girls haven't appeared. My legs are going crazy now, my anxiety is through the roof and all I can do is pace and get angry. I'm starting to get impatient with Mike and Riley, I feel like I have bugs crawling under my skin. I just wanted to scream and run away.

Mike went to look for them while I waited. He had no luck. I went to look for the girls while he waited, and out of no where I spot her coming off an even different ride. I was so relieved but so angry at the same time. All I could do was scream and yell. I wasn't able to calm down for a long time. But with all the kids going missing lately, and all the amber alerts we have to listen to, I was a little worried to say the least. I don't know what  she was thinking, but I know she will never do that again. Victoria is so well behaved and never causes me any problems when we go out. She's always polite, says please and thank you, looks both ways before crossing the street. She's always offering to help with anything and everything. She's a great kid. I just need her to understand how I felt when I couldn't find her. I don't hate her, I'm not mad at her, I was scared and frustrated. And I couldn't have been more relieved when I found her.

Anxiety is no joke. And it's not a weakness. But it isn't a visable issue for the most part. People suffering from it don't broadcast it most of the time and it can be very physically painful. So please just be aware of it and try to be understanding.



Politics, Religion and Sports

The three big no-nos! If you want to start a fight, all you have to do is bring up one of those three topics. And depending on who you are talking to, that may be the end of your relationship. Sometimes you wish it was only that easy! I don't talk about any of those topics if I can help it for many different reasons. But I also believe that you have a right to feel the way you feel, believe in what you believe, and not be judged for it. I don't pick and choose friends based on what their religion is or their favorite sports team. If I did I'd have even less friends. But all of that is such a small part of the person, and they believe what the believe for a reason.

My stance on politics is easy, the way I see it. I believe in what I believe is right. I'm not a democrat or a republican. I judge based on what I hear and see. Not what party the person belongs to.  Both parties do good and bad. And politics is apart of almost everything we deal with. There is no hiding from it. Some people get so caught up in it and get so defensive. Throwing what you believe to be right at someone is no way to get them to understand what you are trying to say.

How I feel about religion has greatly changed in the last 5 months. I was never a non-believer. But I did have an event occur that made me realize religion was something I wanted to learn more about. I was baptized as a baby as a protestant in a congretational church. I went to Sunday school. But like most teenagers, when I was able to make a decision about if I was going to go or not, sleep won. I don't judge people for what religion they are, or if they believe or not. I have my reasons for what I believe and that is for me to understand and develope upon.

And believe it or not, sports is the worst. Especially baseball! I am a die hard Yankees fan. I love them no matter what, if they are winning or losing, I'm still a Yankees Fan! I'm married to a Mets fan. But the worst part is that he's not just a Mets fan, he's a Yankee hater. We can't watch a game together because he gets so cranky. And all he does is talk about how horrible Yankee fans are. It really gets to me, especially when I just sit there quietly and I cheer on his team if they are doing well. I just love baseball. I don't have all the anger he has. And lets not talk about Red Sox fans. We all know how that goes.

But as I see it, everyone has a right to believe in what they believe in. Whether it be political, religious or sports, they have a right to love what they love. So can't we all just get along?

The Great Debate

About ten years ago I did Weight Watchers. I did it for a few years. It went very well and I had lost 115 pounds. It wasn't always easy, but I was always determined. I had a determination that I never knew I had. And I did it for a long time. But something happened, I have no idea what, I can't pin point anything. But it all just went away. I stopped following the program and the weight came right back on, plus some.

Over the years that followed I would try other ways to lose weight. Or I would retry Weight Watchers. But it was never the same. No matter what I would give up, it stressed me out, I considered it too much work. I didn't want to give up having a life, or atleast that's how I saw it at the time. One of my biggest problems is that I see things as black and white. I don't see grey when it comes to things like this. So if I slip up, that's it, I've failed. If I can't figure out the EXACT points of something, then I won't eat it at all. Less than 100% is just not good enough.

When I got pregnant I was scared. I knew I was extremely overweight and I didn't want the baby to suffer because of that. I was told I should not gain more than fifteen pounds. And I didn't. No matter what I was right on target every time I went to the doctor. But they had instilled such fear in my during my appointments. Telling me that I needed or should have all these tests done to make sure everything was going to be fine. Since I was so over weight there were many things they were expecting to go wrong, or problems I would have. In the end, none of that happened. But I must say the actual OBGYN was never anything but wonderful to me, it was mainly the midwives that made me nervous.

With in a few weeks after Riley was born I had lost the weight I gained with her and I have stayed at that weight since. So atleast I'm not getting any bigger! But since she was born I've tried Weight Watchers again and have let myself down again. At one point I thought I would just be happy staying at the weight I am. I obviously can maintain it and not get bigger. But if I truly think about it, I'm not happy. I'm not sure I'd be happy at my lowest weight either. I wasn't very happy then. But somewhere in the middle I will be happy.

I think just knowing that you are doing something makes a huge difference also. Trying to eat better and be more active. And hopefully taking this opportunity to teach my children good habits. I don't want anything limiting me from having fun with them or being around as long as I can. This whole subject is very sensitive and emotional for me. And I usually have myself failing before I even try. And of course, this time is no different. I've been thinking about starting again, but I'm looking for every excuse in the book to not do it.

I need to find that will and determination that I had before. I don't know where it is, but maybe it's in the mirror, or my daughters eyes. I will find it and I will do this.



New things

Watching Riley grow up will continue to amaze me. It is so awesome to watch as she learns new things. Watching her figure out how to crawl, sit up, stand, walk and now she's running...it's all so amazing. I remember when she first touched grass for the first time and how she wasn't sure if she liked it or not. Getting nervous the first time she went down a slide but then seeing how much she loved it. Putting her on her first amusement park ride with her brother and being terrified, but she just sits there.

Now she puts her clothes in the laundry basket, she helps clean up her toys, she loves giving high five's and she's trying to repeat everything we say. She wants to be Miss Independent and I'm just in awe of how much she does for herself now. I'm so proud but at the same time, very sad. I've never wanted to rush her into learning new things. I'm just enjoying every moment as it happens. I always struggle with wanting to protect her from getting hurt and letting her figure things out. Sending her to daycare was a huge decision for me. She only goes two days a week but those are the longest seventeen hours of my life. She's sad to see me go but she gets so excited when I pick her up.

Last night we did a few more "firsts" with Riley. I put bubbles in her bath and she was very thrown off. She just sat there and wouldn't touch anything. She didn't know what to do and she definitely didn't like that her toys where covered in bubbles. Towards the end she loosened up a little but not much. I also gave her her toothbrush and let her "brush" her own teeth. I want her to get use to it. She always fights me when I do it, so I handed it to her and let her try and get use to the feeling.  She did very well.

Sometimes I feel like a nut...

Actually, most of the time I feel like I'm on the edge of going crazy or just having a mental breakdown. I put so much pressure on myself to be "perfect" at everything I do. I want to be the perfect mom, daughter, wife and employee. I beat myself up over EVERYTHING and I feel like I am never good enough. Why do I always compare the present to the past? I was younger then, I didn't have children and I wasn't with a man that I wanted to spend time with. So of course I was able to do more. I just can't accept that I can't do everything I used to do with the energy I used to do it with.

Half way is never good enough for me. And I spend most of my time being so disappointed in myself instead of enjoying what we are doing and what we have done. It feels like I always have to be on the go and if  I'm not, then I'm failing. There is a pressure I put on myself to make every weekend busy and fun, but then I'm exhausted, spend way too much money and it still wasn't good enough according to me! I'm the only one who has the problem. It's been like this as long as I can remember.

Especially since having Riley, I feel like time is going by WAY to quick. I feel like if I'm not doing something, I'm wasting precious time with my daughter. I never really thought about getting older or death even before I had Riley. Now as birthdays approach and things start to crack and ache, all I can think about is not being around for her. My sister has always teased me about my age, even announcing it constantly to perfect strangers. But it had never bothered me. I never saw it as anything but a number, and was just happy I had made it that far. Now, the numbers are getting much higher, much quicker.

All I want is to enjoy life and not have TOO many regrets. I don't particularly regret my past. I guess I see it as what I had to go through to get to where I am now. And if I had to do it all over again...the moving, my first marriage, changing jobs...I would do it in a heart beat if it brought me to where I am today. My past has made me who I am, it has taught me things that I needed to learn to be able to appreciate what I have now. I hope it has made me a better person, I know having my daughter has. The impact that having Riley has had on my life can not be measured or weighed. I feel it in my heart, every time I look at her I fall in love all over again.

But like I said, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to not being good enough. It's pressure I put on myself. It's a ridiculously high standard that I have set for me. All I can do is hope that with time I will be more patient and understanding with me. No one else can fix it. This is something I need to figure out. And I hope it happens soon!

~*~ A Mama with a Blog ~*~