Sometimes I feel like a nut...

Actually, most of the time I feel like I'm on the edge of going crazy or just having a mental breakdown. I put so much pressure on myself to be "perfect" at everything I do. I want to be the perfect mom, daughter, wife and employee. I beat myself up over EVERYTHING and I feel like I am never good enough. Why do I always compare the present to the past? I was younger then, I didn't have children and I wasn't with a man that I wanted to spend time with. So of course I was able to do more. I just can't accept that I can't do everything I used to do with the energy I used to do it with.

Half way is never good enough for me. And I spend most of my time being so disappointed in myself instead of enjoying what we are doing and what we have done. It feels like I always have to be on the go and if  I'm not, then I'm failing. There is a pressure I put on myself to make every weekend busy and fun, but then I'm exhausted, spend way too much money and it still wasn't good enough according to me! I'm the only one who has the problem. It's been like this as long as I can remember.

Especially since having Riley, I feel like time is going by WAY to quick. I feel like if I'm not doing something, I'm wasting precious time with my daughter. I never really thought about getting older or death even before I had Riley. Now as birthdays approach and things start to crack and ache, all I can think about is not being around for her. My sister has always teased me about my age, even announcing it constantly to perfect strangers. But it had never bothered me. I never saw it as anything but a number, and was just happy I had made it that far. Now, the numbers are getting much higher, much quicker.

All I want is to enjoy life and not have TOO many regrets. I don't particularly regret my past. I guess I see it as what I had to go through to get to where I am now. And if I had to do it all over again...the moving, my first marriage, changing jobs...I would do it in a heart beat if it brought me to where I am today. My past has made me who I am, it has taught me things that I needed to learn to be able to appreciate what I have now. I hope it has made me a better person, I know having my daughter has. The impact that having Riley has had on my life can not be measured or weighed. I feel it in my heart, every time I look at her I fall in love all over again.

But like I said, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to not being good enough. It's pressure I put on myself. It's a ridiculously high standard that I have set for me. All I can do is hope that with time I will be more patient and understanding with me. No one else can fix it. This is something I need to figure out. And I hope it happens soon!

~*~ A Mama with a Blog ~*~