Friendship

Friendships can be a very tricky thing. When you are a kid you make friends with everyone. You are willing to play with anyone, just as long as you are doing something. They do something stupid but you just move on. You are too young and too little to care, you just want to play. When you get in junior high or high school, friendships are a lot more important to you. They show how popular (or not) you are. You tend to value yourself based off of how many friends you have. But they come with a lot more drama. You guys spend every waking moment together or on the phone. And when someone hurts your feelings it's the end of the world!

When you become an adult and are married and have children, friendships are still very important. You need to have a support system, but you also need to have your own life. And that's what your friends help you with. You guys get mad at each other but you get over it and move on quickly. Things aren't as petty and you tend to actually appreciate each other. There shouldn't be nearly as much drama, if there is that is a problem. But you are definitely more picky with who you spend your time with.

My husband is my best friend. He may not realize it, or even feel like it sometimes. I didn't plan it that way, he just is. So he is the lucky one that gets the brunt of my anger. Unfortunately he's the only one I trust to take it and not judge me or leave me because of it. And I am very slow to make friends. I try to keep my circle very very small. The less people in the circle the less people can hurt me and the less of a chance that it will happen. I put a wall up and don't let many people in. And the friends I do have are usually kept at arms length. Even with my screening criteria a bad egg gets through once in a while. After that happens, I usually go back into hiding for awhile.

I definitely try to protect myself by having a wall up. It may come across as I'm cruel or rude, but really I'm just scared and don't want someone to be able to hurt me again. And I usually back away when I'm in fear of someone doing something that might hurt me. In relationships, I'd rather break up with you before you can break up with me. I don't like rejection. I don't take it very well. Even it's something stupid and simple. And I hate feeling like I'm vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a weakness, for me. But I do understand the importance of having friends and having a life of your own. I just don't do it very well.

When I'm not with my husband or child, they are all I think about. And I can't wait to be back home with them. I wish I could turn it off for a little bit and just enjoy myself. The only real time I have to myself is after work on Tuesdays when I do bible study. But I can't wait until I get to leave to get home to them. It's something I've struggled with ever since my divorce. With my last marriage I spent tons of time with friends. My ex-husband was never home. Fishing and hunting were what was important to him. So after having a separate life from someone for 12 years, and then now being married to someone and we want to see each other and want to spend time together, it's a major adjustment.

I need to learn a balance. And I definitely need to work on trusting. I need to realize that it's okay to be happy. And it's okay for people to know that you are happy, they aren't out to take that away from me. I need to learn that it's okay to let someone know they make me happy, and that they aren't waiting for me to say that so they can destroy me. It may sound silly, but it's a daily battle I have with myself. And all of this really puts a strain on my relationships and it really hurts. It's something I wish I could fix, but I obviously still have some healing to do.